Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Good and the Bad

I am visiting America in two weeks.  I do not know what to expect, how I will cope with clothing and grocery stores, lines where people do not push in front of one another, and transport that is reliable.  I do know, however, that a month away from Zambia is much needed for my spirit.  My days have become long and chaotic as I continuously try to motivate my villages to complete our health post, and as I set up all logistics for our projects so that they will hopefully continue in my absence.  I spent ten hours in town yesterday shopping for grant materials, waiting on a dishonest transporter who decided not to tell me that he had a problem with his tire after half of our materials were loaded onto the vehicle.  I fell apart after hour eight, slumped on the sidewalk, feeling completely taken advantage of for being a foreigner.  I felt like a broken china doll, my body shattered into a million tiny pieces.  I thought, "All I am trying to do is help!  Why is this happening?"  I realized that at the end of the day, there are both kind hearted and dishonest people in the world, wherever you go.  The situation was resolved, but I personally felt quite defeated.

I believe in the goodness of humanity, but it is inevitable to go through days when you encounter people who have a very different moral compass than you do.  My family in the village keeps me here, but there are always going to be reminders that I am not from Zambia.  I love this place, and I need to just re-charge my battery.  The hunger, the corruption, the environmental degradation... it all wears on you after a while.  You feel stuck, like you have so much knowledge but no way to change the larger systems that are causing the suffering you are feeling at the village level.  Grassroots development work is incredibly fulfilling because of the human connections and small victories that are possible... and some days it can also break your heart.  Anyway, love to all and I cannot wait to see some of you very soon!